Ode to Mom

Life has been in flux lately, and as always, when everything around me is in turmoil, I start to think about what I want my life to be, to mean, to do…

There is this nifty little tool we use in coaching called a wellness vision, basically you imagine yourself at your most happy, your most healthy, having already met your goals.  So I decided that with all the opportunities in from of me and all the experiences behind me that I needed a wellness vision.  I needed a picture of me being exactly who I want to be.

So I visualized…
A woman, long hair trailing down her back in a pony tail, walking into a room full of people she was about to lead through yoga.  She knew everyone by more than their name but also by their story.  She joked and laughed and moved with a calm confidence and grace that put everyone at ease.  Her energy never ceased, her smile never ceased, her comfort in her world was palpable.

I visualized…
A woman who woke up and dove into life rather than crawling through it.  She saw every moment as an opportunity for action and relished the moments of stillness.

I visualized…
My mother.  My beautiful, effervescent, unyielding mother.

I have known how much I admire her, but until this moment never realized how much I aspire to be the woman who raised me. 

I have been unconsciously taking notes on what it means to BE from her, and she was always providing a sterling example. I remember watching her as she guided classes, talking through it like this was the most natural thing in the world to her.  I can hear her laughing EVERY day, finding time EVERY day to be grateful.  I can see the love that she didn’t just feel, but the love that she embodied for all that surrounded her.  I have all these notes and photographs tucked away in my memory.

Now I know that they have been my inspiration all along.

I beam with pride when people tell me I smile like my mom because it means that they see a piece of that light in me.  And I can say with 100% surety that if I can create a life like the one that was demonstrated to me…yeah, I have met my goal.

Things on my mind Tonight

New relationships are like hearing a new song for the first time: the intro catches your attention, then you either skip ahead to a song you know the words to, or chill out for a while, listen, and discover something new to love.

If you aren't gentle and easy with yourself, your body will make you shut up and sit down for a while so it can relax (for once).

Red bell peppers are delicious.

Good night :)

When do you step out of In-Between?

I wrote a poem several years ago about being forever the In-Between girl. The in-between girl is the girl who is always just missing that magic moment. They would love to be with you but they're moving out of state or live in Spain or are getting deployed for 17 years. They think you're amazing but you are too much or too good for them or not "girlfriend material". When I wrote this poem, I assumed that the condition was chronic. That you went from In-between to player to cougar and then moved in with your best friend and lived a life slightly similar to Thelma and Louise. But after a few years of playing this role, walking down this path, I realize that I was wrong.

You don't stay in between forever. One day you wake up and say "This isn't enough. You are not fulfilling me. I deserve love for longer than it takes for you to leave or find someone new." And this realization is terrifying. It takes away an identity that for so long has been a band-aid covering up something that needed stitches. One day, you get stitched up, and then that gap closes, and you are left wondering where to go now that you are able to use all of your heart. How do you use all of your heart with that scar there reminding you that it could be broken again? Will people see your scar and think it is ugly? Will you ever realize the scar can be beautiful?

 Sometimes instead of facing the world in all your new vulnerable glory, you hang out where you used to be comfortable, in the in between. But the scene has changed. You don't know the regulars anymore, or you don't relate. It's not fun and exciting, but exhausting and leaves you feeling empty. The attention is easy to get, but hard to enjoy. So you look back at what you wanted before you fell in-between. You learn to say no. You learn to be alone and find bliss in the company of your silence. And no matter how many times you fall back a step, you take two more forward toward something better...

 So I was right when I said "say goodbye to the In Between girl," not because she has become lost, but because maybe, finally, she found herself :)

 In Between Girl - Janssen 2009
 Have you ever heard of the In Between Girl?
"I'm not sure what I want" and "we're just friends, right?" Girl..
Used and abused, only there to amuse
While you wait for better you give her a whirl.

 She plays her part with great wit, I must say
Lets you see other girls and pretends she's okay
Deep down inside there is something she hides
but she sits back and tries not to feel anyways.

 After a while of being a pawn
the identity given begins to hold on.
It happens so fast, and the side effects last
When being the In Between Girl is prolonged.

 She acts like she's strong, yeah this life's what she wants
Acting out, getting drunk, she's got attitude to flaunt
She knows it's not right, still she can't seem to fight
The high of always getting out of men what she wants

 But truth gets lost in her little game
She starts to feel pleasure from all of the pain
Bite a little bit harder, push a little bit farther
She's insatiable now, impossible to tame.

 What ever happened to the In Between Girl?
Open heart, bright eyed girl who wished for the world
Some scars never heal, now her heart has been sealed
Say goodbye to the In Between Girl...

This little light of mine...

Have you ever noticed, that the brighter you shine, the more prevalent are the ones who try and bring you down? It's not always just the haters, it's the jealous, and the stealers as well. They see how you don't just mix into your environment, but how you create your environment, and they want it.

Beware beware of the energy snatchers.

Sometimes it's obvious, they come in and try to wreck your lovely little world. Sometimes they try and hide your light and keep it all to themselves. Sometimes they steal all your energy, run out your batteries, dim you down so that they can shine out.

Beware beware of the energy snatchers.

Your light is YOURS to shine as you please. Shine bright. Shine loud. Shine out. And be aware of the energy snatchers.

I hope you Dance

Every single day we wake up and throw ourselves into one uncomfortable situation after another. Whether the discomfort be physical, emotional, intellectual, social, or spiritual, we are bombarded day in and day out by stimuli that force us to adapt.

Part of the beauty of our mind and body is that we can compensate and change and create homeostasis as naturally as we breathe, we call it living. We move through our environment, not always gracefully, not always efficiently, but effectively from the moment we open our eyes to the moment we collapse into sleep.

As I've been practicing yoga, I have begun to progress. By being mindful and breathing into my sources of tension, I can push further and hold poses longer and it all just feels like a wonderful comfortable flow from one breath to the next. In each pose I assess my body: where do I need to relax, where do I need to strengthen, what do I need to adjust to make this feel how it should and still maintain that sense of calm, do I need to take a break to sit back and refocus?

How can we start to apply that mindfulness and breath and awareness into uncomfortable situations outside of the mat? Next time you find yourself in an moment of tension, take a step back and assess what you are encountering. Where can you relax? Where should you muscle through it? What do you need to change or realign? Is it okay to sit this one out and catch your focus? And the amazing thing that happens is we start to dance through life instead of feeling pushed. The balance becomes an art instead of just survival.

It is that balance that is the key to true wellness. Because in order to be WELL, we need to be CALM and STRONG... physically... emotionally... intellectually... socially... spiritually...

and just like in yoga in order to lead a fulfilled and fearless life, you need to have a strong spine, and an open heart

All the love, all the light, Namaste :)

The Beauty in a Business Park

I work in an area of San Diego called Sorrento Valley. Basically, it is a large business park dotted with Starbucks' and food courts and lined with condos. Needless to say, "natural beauty" isn't the first thing that comes to mind when you exit the freeway. Driving past all the corporate warehouses used for human storage (also known as the 40+ hour work week) doesn't really inspire a lot of "ahhhs" and "omms".

So every day on my lunch break, equipped with Jennifer my friend and unofficial life coach, I go out and try to find the beauty in the business park. Look how carefully the landscaper planned that building entrance! How fun are those perky palm trees all standing in a row! That fountain is so peaceful! This grass feels so soft and squishy! Everywhere I look there is PROOF that someone at least tried to make this a nice place to spend the majority of my week.

I do this because, though I am willing to settle into this 40 hour form of "adulthood", I refuse to give up my Constitutional right to pursue happiness.

Every.
Single.
Day.

Every day gives you an opportunity for happiness. It may not be all day. It may not be bliss. But happiness is always there and ever available. We have to make the choice to acknowledge the joy that is inherent in life. Let that joy filter into the dark places that threaten to overwhelm you. The darkness is hostile and ready for takeover if you let it get out of control.

It is your choice. You wake up every morning completely in control of how you want to spend your day.

I choose happiness - even if it is just how pretty those flowers in front of the Verizon building looked on my drive in :)

The straw didn't break the Camel's back...

I take issue with the phrase "It was the straw that broke the camel's back."

The poor camel gets a pretty bad rap here. First we load her down with baggage, then just when she thinks she's found balance we add some straw on top and call her weak. Because she couldn't handle that last little bit. Because we forgot to realize that she has been hauling around all this weight and might already be tired. I think maybe that camel saw an out. Maybe the camel got tired of carrying around everyone's crap and just bailed.

I digress...

Venting is a healthy and normal part of life and friendship. We need to vent, to let out steam, to burst into a room, guns blazing screaming "Fuck this noise!" It's true. It feels good.

But there is a balance that must be struck. We have all been involved with someone who exhausts us. Leaves us wishing for that out, that injury, that ear sprain that prevents us from catching a piece of straw and losing it entirely.

The beauty that is inherent in friendship is that it is fluid. A constant and balanced exchange that keeps us teetering on the edge of sanity and stops one end from tumbling in. We all need to be able to carry the load as much as we all deserve the right to break down.

If you can't break down. If you don't have that out. If you don't have that camel who you can sometimes rely on when you're in an emotional desert, then you become a weak link. Eventually you get tired and dried up.

On the other hand:

If you can't listen. If you don't create that space. If you don't accept the weight of a friend who has been walking too long and could use a rest, then you become oppressive. A weight. Eventually you run out of people to walk alongside.

So take an inventory of your venting and think about who you need to thank for carrying you or who you could shoulder a little more weight for. Good friends are rare in this world, and the last thing you want to do is end up in the desert alone.

And let's leave Cliche the Camel alone.